I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
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Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
can’t believe I got front row seats