For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
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cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.