Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
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You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.