Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
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The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww