The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
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HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?