If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
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Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
#ParentingFacts
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.