If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
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i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
A Short Story.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg