Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
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[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
🙄😏😂🤣
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean