[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
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When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Me, reading some of your tweets
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs