The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
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It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Alexa; make it look like an accident