Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
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[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
what’s more important?
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I wish this was real life…
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.