I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
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SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
looks legit
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t