This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
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Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.