Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
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I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Digital security in Ancient Troy
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
don’t we all