If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
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“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?