Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
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It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.