Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
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My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now