Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
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The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
#Caturday
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Namaste
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible