On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
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barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Me, flirting😏
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper