My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
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My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
When you’re Kinky but poor
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.