Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
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Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish