The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
You Might Also Like
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Geez man, take it easy.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start