Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
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That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?