think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
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“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
How do you milk an almond?
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.