I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
You Might Also Like
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.