7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
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It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
“We will wed,” I threatened
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.