I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
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Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?