11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
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told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
That eye roll….
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
#damn
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?