Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
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trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.