I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
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.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.