[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
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[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Don’t tell me what to do
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.