Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
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It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
The glory of fall.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Muppet Screams
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism