My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
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I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?