Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
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me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Where is your GOD now????
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.