People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
emergency phone
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats