Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
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OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.