My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
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*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me