Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
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Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.