My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
All excellent questions
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road