Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
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“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
he was correct
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..