Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
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Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!