Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
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[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting