adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
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A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
I hope Alan is OK
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.