me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
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I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
A ghost story
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.