Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
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Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.