Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
You Might Also Like
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.