Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
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*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow