It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
You Might Also Like
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Ah..makes sense now
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.