*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
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IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
want me to check your oil?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?