Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
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Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
calling in to work dehydrated
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
My patronus is a cheeseburger